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Dear Adult Kids

Now that my children have flown away, I realize that there are some things I neglected to teach them. It may be too late, but I made a list of things I want my children to know:

  1. I will always love you no matter what.
  2. Of all the things that have exited my body, you’re my favorite.
  3. I can’t help being old. Stop making fun of me!
  4. I am not your bank, but I am your friend. I will loan you money and you can count on me to help you move.
  5. You’re welcome for the awesome hair.
  6. Don’t get upset with me when I say you’re cute. You still remind me of that snot-nosed three year-old, who hugged me all the time and thought I was awesome.
  7. It’s not your job to validate my parenting success by looking or acting like a clone.
  8. You are a unique person, not proof of how well I parented you; therefore, I absolve myself from any responsibility for your bad choices.
  9. I hope to live long enough to embarrass you and not just because I have Alzheimer’s.
  10. If you should end up in jail, I will visit you; but, don’t expect me to bail you out if you harmed someone, or if it’s too expensive.
  11. I think you are cute, adorable, and quite a catch. Please don’t try to convince me otherwise.
  12. I will love who you love. I will dislike anyone who doesn’t see how awesome you are, unless that person is me.
  13. I don’t care if you get fat, you are trans, or get really weird. I do care if you become insufferable, though. Don’t be a jerk!
  14. Tattoos are fine with me. They tell the story of who you are.
  15. I’m fine with your piercings. How do you feel about mine?
  16. My goal in life is to always have wilder hair than yours. Please show some restraint, or we’re both going to be really embarrassed.
  17. How you live your life is your business, just as mine is my business. But, if you want to share some of that life together, particularly around holidays, that’d be nice.
  18. If you tell my secrets in public, I’ll post the naked baby pictures of you on Facebook.
  19. I don’t mind if you spend time with the rat bastard, I mean, your father. Just say that you enjoy your time with me more.
  20. Be kind to me or I will cut you out of the will. Not kidding. And, someday, you’re going to want that $500.
  21. Even if you don’t think I’m cool, let’s pretend.
  22. If you don’t send me a card for Mother’s Day, I will not loan you money, help you move, or smile at you for at least a whole year.
  23. About that goldfish that suddenly grew overnight and became colored slightly differently… Well, you know, right?
  24. I always meant to save up for your education. I’m really sorry about all of your student loans.
  25. My side of the family has excellent teeth, so your dental issues are your father’s fault.
  26. I love you more than you will ever know and I can’t stop. Lord knows, I’ve tried.
  27. If you get rich, please provide for my retirement.
  28. If you don’t get rich, please provide for my retirement.
  29. Someday you will be as old as I am. Will you be as amazing?
  30. When the world is awful and life is hard, I hope you’ll dance. I’m told this helps, or, maybe it’s just a song. Whatever.
  31. Do you remember that time when I was in labor for hours and in lots of pain before you emerged into the world? Well I do, so send me a damn card on my birthday!
  32. If you marry, my one wish for you is that you will pay for the entire ceremony.
  33. Therapy and a twelve-step group worked wonders for me. I know I’ve said this to you your whole life, but it bears repeating. Really, you should consider it.

(Image by: Flickr User Peter Hellberg)